Final draft Argument Essay

Here are some thoughts on your draft:

– You have great content, and you bring in good arguments, but you don’t set them up with an upfront thesis statement. At the end of the first paragraph you could (in your case, should) write your argumentative claim instead of an informative sentence indicating what the paper is about.

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– When you introduce authors, it is standard practice to use the full name on the first reference and then just the last name on subsequent references.

– This assignment requires acknowledgement and accommodation of opposing points of view, and right now you don’t have anything that meets this requirement other than the final sentence of the paper. In your case, most reasonable people aren’t going to disagree with the thought that college students shouldn’t be depressed. Rather, the opposing views you can most easily incorporate are the difficulties in some schools providing the services you are arguing for. Cost, staffing, space, etc. may all be problems that may cause people to disagree with your argument, at least in part. Those views need to be brought in more than you have at this point. A short paragraph or the equivalent should be fine to handle this part of the assignment.

– Your sources are very good, but they provide the larger situation about mental health in college and leave your paper lacking in specific examples. Bringing in one or two examples of actual students’ stories of struggles with depression would add a lot. Additionally, another way to add specificity would be to bring in an example or two of schools with great mental health resources and some information on how/why they came about.

– You are still separating parts that need to be combined. One such example is on page three where you start a sentence with “Which generally arise from their …” This is dependent and needs to be combined with the previous sentence or re-worked to be grammatically correct. You have other instances of this.

– The Works Cited page is close but a bit off. Look at a sample for the correct form and which lines are tabbed in. Also, you don’t have the journal listed for the Bisson sources, and you aren’t using alphabetical order.

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